


how to keep breathing

by AllotropicBi



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Come on Lukas please get your shit together so we can all be happy and stop crying, M/M, This was supposed to be happy after the train wreck of ep6 but here we are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 20:10:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8636584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllotropicBi/pseuds/AllotropicBi
Summary: Following the events of episode 6, because that entire episode was an emotional rollercoaster and we all need a break and that tiny glimmer of hope at the end did not make up for the pain I felt.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A thank you to Dylan for getting me into the show, to Shoshi, to Karin, and Sarah.

Lukas can feel his heart pounding in his chest, his eyes flicking between Philip and Helen. He’s admitted the truth, but the ensuing silence is pressing on his eardrums. What’s supposed to happen now? Is this enough to make Philip stay? God he - he should’ve done this sooner. He can’t lose Philip. With everything that’s been going on, it’s been a while since they got to spend time together, and the dull ache, left behind from the void that Philip filled, it’s not gone anywhere. It was filled momentarily by the sponsorship, but he feels it now, as urgent as the night in the cabin. Without Philip, his instinct kicked in to shut down and revert to his regular life, the one where he acts for everyone else, only in his own interest when he’s lucky enough to be able to do so. But _God_ , he was so scared. Somehow, the idea of losing Philip scares him even more. 

White noise is all Philip hears. He sees Helen’s lips moving, trying to act accordingly, and then he looks back to Lukas to see crisp blue eyes staring back at him, a silent plea hidden within. 

Hurt. It’s the only thing Philip has known for so long. He thought Lukas might be an escape from that, that he would be enough for Lukas to change his whole life, that he was worth that much. It was like his life was spiralling downwards all over again, but he’s suddenly suspended in the wreckage, looking at the one thing that can undo it all. 

“Helen,” Gabe says softly, being the only one to notice the boys aren’t hearing a word she says. 

Lukas blinks a few times as if coming out of a stupor, clearing his throat. “Can… Can I talk to Philip for a minute?” 

Helen purses her lips, clearly wanting answers to fill in the gaps that this game changer between her hands brings. Gabe wraps an arm around her shoulders and guides her away from the boys. 

Lukas doesn’t move, not sure if he even can or not. After everything, he owes it to Philip to let him be the one to choose the direction of the interaction. And like most times, Lukas feels like he has nothing of great importance to say, though his mind is racing, full to the brim with panic at the thought of Philip leaving. So much so, that when Philip opens the door and steps out of the truck, Lukas lets out a long breath in a show of relief. 

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Philip takes a few steps forward, unable to look Lukas in the eye. He looks upwards, tries his best to force back the tears that were ready to spill only moments before. There’s a lump sitting heavy in his throat that’s making any attempt to speak impossible, but before he can even open his mouth, Lukas strides forward and envelops him in a tight embrace. 

Once Philip reciprocates, wrapping his arms around Lukas’ waist, Lukas daren’t say or do anything to break the moment. He feels Philip tremble against him ever so slightly, a quick, quiet gasp making Lukas’ chest ache. He squeezes Philip briefly, glances around to see if Helen and Gabe are gone, and brings a hand to Philip’s jaw, tilting his head up for a soft kiss. 

“Please don’t go,” Lukas whispers, so close to Philip that their lips brush when he speaks.

Philip clenches his jaw, his chest swelling with the desire to close the gap. The sinking feeling he’s been under all week is enough to bring his head above water. “Why?” he asks curtly, his voice cracking. “Why, so you - you can go back to hiding, to Rose, to acting like I’m some kind of freak at school?” He shakes his head rapidly, stepping back from Lukas. It hurts too much to take another step. “I’m sorry, Lukas, but I can’t do this anymore. I thought I could, but I can’t. I can’t let you blame things on me out of convenience for your own safety.”

For a moment, Lukas can’t say anything; it feels like the one thing he’s cared about that feels real and his _own_ is suddenly this close to being torn from him. He wets his lips and steps forward again, his expression leaden with fear and apprehension. “Philip, I - ” He sucks in some air between his teeth, his lungs burning under the illusion that there’s not enough air our here in the open. A small noise escapes his throat when Philip turns away from him, resignation written all over his face.“I need you. I’m sorry, I am, and I -“ Lukas cuts off, unsure of what he can say. There’s plenty he wants to say, but he doesn’t want to say anything he can’t commit to knowing his own impulsive irrationality. “I’m sorry.”

And he deals with it the same way he did confessing that he liked Philip, leaning in for another hug that’s more to reassure himself, but with all the intention of convincing Philip that he means what he said. He’s not one for words, can’t articulate what he needs to when he needs to, so he does the next best thing he can. He presses his face into the side of Philip’s neck, breathing him in and trying to keep him from slipping between his fingers. Maybe, he wonders, most of the fear he feels comes from subconsciously knowing how much Philip has come to mean to him, the weight of not having known that vulnerability before making him bite back like a wounded, cornered animal at every turn. 

It’s not so simple now, not so easy to forgive Lukas. It’s tempting as hell, and Philip would love for it to be that straightforward. The only thing that keeps him from caving is knowing that they’ll end up in the exact same place in another two weeks or so, except then there will be less chance of being able to protect what they have. 

“We have to work at this,” Philip says, reluctantly pulling out of the embrace. “If you - if you mean it, we have to do this together. I’m not some inconsequential object.” He pauses, knowing the next bit might be more honest than he’s let himself be up until now. “I feel things too.” 

“Yeah,” Lukas replies, nodding quickly. “Yeah, I’ll. I’ll do that. Anything. Just, please… don’t go.”

Philip swallows thickly, recalling the ice-cold blood that ran through his veins at the dinner table, the panic and urgency he felt, too paralyzing to get up before making the call to social services. He considers what this chain of events changes, considers that the atmosphere at the house will be tense for a long while. Wonders if Helen and Gabe have an inkling of a clue about what’s going on between himself and Lukas. He wonders if he can feel safe here again. 

“Okay.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos always appreciated. Find me on tumblr at bkcybvrnes, come cry with me about this show because I could talk endlessly. In the process of writing a pre-show fic.


End file.
